2-May-24
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[00:00:00.000 –> 00:00:17.070] I never know what’s going on with you. This is like an act or if this is part of the fun
[00:00:17.070 –> 00:00:22.350] of being Chrissy D. I mean, no. Well, Chrissy D was all fun and games.
[00:00:22.350 –> 00:00:24.870] Was? Was. Third person.
[00:00:24.870 –> 00:00:31.270] Now we’re coming into a part. Two major things have happened here. Okay. One, I’ve
[00:00:31.830 –> 00:00:38.550] refound my love for Christ and I’m back believing. I’m back being Catholic. I’m back in. Nice. Got two
[00:00:38.550 –> 00:00:46.230] feet in Catholicism. Okay. We’re back, baby. And then the other thing is, is I made, I, I, six months
[00:00:46.230 –> 00:00:53.750] ago, I had this beautiful house Staten Island, right? Everything we wanted sold the house
[00:00:54.550 –> 00:00:58.790] because I was having anxiety about doing a show at Radio City. Swear to God. I,
[00:00:58.790 –> 00:01:05.030] my brain couldn’t process it that way. But through therapy, the therapist figured out and
[00:01:05.030 –> 00:01:08.630] it’s right because I checked on this with my girlfriend and she was like, that’s exactly what
[00:01:08.630 –> 00:01:13.110] you did. Got was very nervous about Radio City. Didn’t know where to put that energy
[00:01:13.110 –> 00:01:19.030] because it was a big show in the New York eye. Big, biggest weekend of my life. So I said
[00:01:19.030 –> 00:01:23.030] about two weeks before Radio City came home. I said we’re putting up the house for sale.
[00:01:23.030 –> 00:01:27.030] I want to be able to walk to a bagel store. We can’t walk to a bagel store at this house
[00:01:27.030 –> 00:01:30.150] on Staten Island. I need that for my creative process. And my girl was like, what are you
[00:01:30.150 –> 00:01:33.990] doing? We just renovated our kitchen, the living, we just, you just poured money into this is
[00:01:33.990 –> 00:01:38.550] our home. I was like, I can’t walk to a bagel store and it’s going to fuck my comedy up.
[00:01:38.550 –> 00:01:44.470] It will. What? Yeah. And then, you know, if, and then people, if you knew my address back
[00:01:44.470 –> 00:01:49.190] then you would know that there’s a bagel store 0.9 miles away that I didn’t know about. But
[00:01:49.510 –> 00:01:56.950] But you had a dream house. I had a dream house that I, that we put to our liking and I said,
[00:01:56.950 –> 00:02:02.470] I couldn’t, didn’t understand it then. I said, we’re selling the house and I convinced my family
[00:02:02.470 –> 00:02:06.870] because that’s what we can do right as comics. I convinced them. I had them buy this story,
[00:02:06.870 –> 00:02:11.910] convince my girl, my family, what’s going to be better for us is to sell this five-bedroom
[00:02:11.910 –> 00:02:15.590] house. Here’s what we, here’s the move. We’re going to sell this five-bedroom house
[00:02:15.590 –> 00:02:19.350] for about $300,000 under asking price. We’re going to get out of this puppy.
[00:02:19.350 –> 00:02:23.350] We’re going to sell that. We’re going to move to Queens where we can walk to stuff and bagel
[00:02:23.350 –> 00:02:27.670] stores and be in civilization. We’re going to temporarily live in a two-bedroom apartment
[00:02:28.790 –> 00:02:33.830] and then we’re eventually going to move into a condo and life’s going to be better because,
[00:02:34.630 –> 00:02:37.830] you know, we won’t have to, I won’t have to care for these grounds anymore. I won’t
[00:02:37.830 –> 00:02:42.230] have to throw at the garbage. We’ll be safe in an apartment. People can come in the back
[00:02:42.310 –> 00:02:49.270] window of our home and this will be the move. And I did that and then the apartment that we had
[00:02:49.270 –> 00:02:54.470] lined up fell through. We left the apartment we were living in because it had roaches.
[00:02:55.430 –> 00:02:59.910] Jasmine almost left me. She was almost like, I can’t be a part of your chaos and self-sabotage
[00:02:59.910 –> 00:03:06.390] anymore. And I had to kind of really just say what the hell did I just do? How, figure
[00:03:06.390 –> 00:03:12.230] this problem out, went back into therapy, turned back into religion, starting to find some answers
[00:03:12.230 –> 00:03:18.710] and now we’re living in a home that we’re renting that we like and we’re kind of settling in but
[00:03:18.710 –> 00:03:23.270] that I learned the valuable, I learned the lesson of self-sabotage the hard way. The hardest,
[00:03:24.150 –> 00:03:28.230] it’s weird. What’s going on in my career right now selling the most tickets I’ve ever had,
[00:03:28.230 –> 00:03:34.870] financially the best I’ve ever done getting all these opportunities was the worst version of
[00:03:34.870 –> 00:03:40.710] me as a human being. Not because I was just self-sabotaging after self-sabotaging and I couldn’t,
[00:03:40.710 –> 00:03:44.550] didn’t know why. Do you have friends that you could talk to about this stuff? Yeah but they’re,
[00:03:44.550 –> 00:03:49.110] you know, not, they call me gay. You know what I mean? Like their old school New York guys
[00:03:49.110 –> 00:03:53.270] that are like, I don’t fucking know dude get a therapist. And I’m like well yeah,
[00:03:54.630 –> 00:03:58.710] what I had to do, what I really felt like nobody could really help me with this. I was
[00:03:58.710 –> 00:04:04.630] like I got to just turn to professional therapist and then I go into and then I turn to back
[00:04:04.630 –> 00:04:09.510] to going to church and I was like well at least I have like, if anything for me church is just
[00:04:09.510 –> 00:04:13.990] an hour a week to just meditate and sit there and I have nothing. I have no thoughts. I have no
[00:04:13.990 –> 00:04:20.710] technology. I’m like it’s just me and whoever I think God is that’s how I feel about it but
[00:04:20.710 –> 00:04:26.470] that chaos stuff that you know because people always you know Chrissy chaos. I was actually
[00:04:26.470 –> 00:04:32.070] living in it and I was like okay now what I’ve done now I’ve like hurt my family. Now
[00:04:32.070 –> 00:04:37.030] I’ve done a thing that’s like not funny. Now I’ve like taken things from my kids because I thought
[00:04:37.030 –> 00:04:41.590] my kids would be like oh yeah dad like my eight year old we had that you know this moment that
[00:04:41.590 –> 00:04:46.150] kids are just kids. I’m like telling them like isn’t this great baby? Like we can walk
[00:04:46.150 –> 00:04:50.310] to the bagel store now we can go to the park we’re not like living off the side of a highway
[00:04:50.310 –> 00:04:55.030] and she was like well I love that we had a pool and I was like yeah but isn’t it better
[00:04:55.030 –> 00:04:59.270] that we can you know don’t have a pool now and we can go to like the pool club and
[00:04:59.270 –> 00:05:03.750] she was like you know no she was like honestly she was like we did it for you
[00:05:03.750 –> 00:05:08.790] so I’m happy that you’re happy but I miss my friends and then I was like oh my god what the
[00:05:08.790 –> 00:05:15.030] fuck did I do? So I kind of have been like backtracking as much as I can little by little
[00:05:15.030 –> 00:05:20.470] to try to like re-correct these mistakes and now my family is more on board now my family’s like
[00:05:20.470 –> 00:05:27.750] hey we’re with you we’re with you but we got to figure this out so now we’re settled
[00:05:27.750 –> 00:05:31.910] finally in a place and we’re kind of falling in love with the neighborhood we’re living in
[00:05:31.910 –> 00:05:38.230] as time has went on and my kids are finding friends and all that and we’re not gonna I’m not
[00:05:38.230 –> 00:05:43.590] going to take that from them I’m not gonna you know be like well you know wherever we are now
[00:05:43.590 –> 00:05:48.230] we’re gonna stay for years so they can build the bonds and the friendships that they need
[00:05:48.230 –> 00:05:51.510] that I inadvertently took away from them without me even realizing.
[00:05:52.390 –> 00:06:02.150] Hmm can I have those edibles? So this anxiety ramped up when success ramped up. Yes. So here
[00:06:02.150 –> 00:06:07.110] I sound like a therapist here but are you is it because you’re worried it’s gonna go away?
[00:06:07.110 –> 00:06:13.350] Is that the anxiety? Like what is the anxiety? No what is the fear? No it wasn’t any of that it was
[00:06:14.710 –> 00:06:19.430] it was I believe I have confidence I believe that I’m in this business I can do it and
[00:06:19.430 –> 00:06:23.190] I believe that like we’re all together now especially how comedy is now I feel like we’re
[00:06:23.190 –> 00:06:27.110] all like this big brother sisterhood like we’ll help each other if one of us is falling like we
[00:06:27.110 –> 00:06:34.470] got each other I believe in that but I think that the actual anxiety of the day of you know again
[00:06:34.470 –> 00:06:39.350] being a New York guy one night Radio City the next night the theater at MSG all these for me a
[00:06:39.350 –> 00:06:43.990] lot of tickets you know 10,000 plus tickets which is you know that’s huge for me. Right.
[00:06:44.470 –> 00:06:52.310] I was like how am I gonna balance all this what if I don’t do well what if what if what if one of
[00:06:52.310 –> 00:06:59.750] these 10,000 people realizes that I’m thinks that I’m some kind of fraud thinks that like hey you know
[00:06:59.750 –> 00:07:05.750] one is going to right always right there’s always people that are gonna find some negative thing
[00:07:05.750 –> 00:07:12.710] and anything so now now I’ve gotten to that point to accept that I’m wildly different not wildly
[00:07:12.710 –> 00:07:17.590] different but I’m much better now than I was in September when all this stuff was going on because
[00:07:17.590 –> 00:07:24.230] I’ve just kind of accepted that I don’t really have control of what others think. Maybe you need a thing
[00:07:24.230 –> 00:07:32.070] other than just comedy that you do that’s not like career oriented like a hobby like some kind
[00:07:32.070 –> 00:07:37.990] of other interest that you really enjoy that you could focus on. So what I did I’m trans people
[00:07:38.550 –> 00:07:45.990] that’s yes trans feet I’m really into wiki feed for specifically trans women and so no what I think is
[00:07:46.710 –> 00:07:51.750] well what I’ve done because I haven’t gone to the hobby yet what I’ve done is I’ve really I thought
[00:07:51.750 –> 00:07:55.910] I was always focused on my kids always being a father is everything to me but I said
[00:07:57.030 –> 00:08:03.510] what you just said I said I’m gonna really just focus on being a dad being home coming off
[00:08:03.510 –> 00:08:08.470] the road a little bit just just temporarily doing my thing in New York keeping my podcast going keeping
[00:08:08.470 –> 00:08:14.390] my name out there but not going on this national tour getting away from that for now I’ve shot a
[00:08:14.390 –> 00:08:19.270] special it’s gonna come out at the end of the year I’m like be home be with the kids be picking
[00:08:19.270 –> 00:08:25.190] them up be at the park with them focus on like give yourself a schedule I’m a comedian from nine
[00:08:25.190 –> 00:08:28.950] to five and they’re nine to three when you pick up your and then when you pick up your kids
[00:08:28.950 –> 00:08:33.830] just for now you just be with them and then and that’s really helped and now like last night I was
[00:08:33.830 –> 00:08:38.310] at your club which is awesome I was at your club and that was the first time I was on stage in about
[00:08:38.310 –> 00:08:43.990] six weeks since I shot the special oh really and I felt so I did some of the same material that I was
[00:08:43.990 –> 00:08:47.750] because I’ve been writing but I was like I don’t want to try a brand new thing right here I did
[00:08:47.750 –> 00:08:52.950] one new thing but I was like oh wow I felt like that little mental experiment helped me like I was
[00:08:52.950 –> 00:08:59.510] so excited to be on stage again I’ve found like reconnected and you something that you do that I
[00:08:59.510 –> 00:09:06.390] noticed last night and I was like huh you you know how much there’s really nothing more you can do in
[00:09:06.390 –> 00:09:09.910] comedy right I mean you’ve done everything the biggest you can get is you’ve achieved which
[00:09:09.910 –> 00:09:15.430] is beautiful but I still saw you yesterday obsessing over your hour and thinking about like how do
[00:09:15.430 –> 00:09:19.990] I make that joke better which is why you’ve gotten here and I’ve had that question in my head
[00:09:19.990 –> 00:09:25.270] yesterday I got back to the hotel was like do I have that do I is it okay that I don’t have it
[00:09:25.270 –> 00:09:30.870] like Joe it does that mean I’m gonna not be successful does that mean I does that kind of uh
[00:09:30.870 –> 00:09:36.630] are we all just different because I love comedy but I was like I don’t know like I just shot a
[00:09:36.630 –> 00:09:39.350] special and was like you know what I need some time off where I don’t know that you’ve
[00:09:39.350 –> 00:09:42.950] ever done that right I mean you’ve never taken a big break from stand up well I took a big
[00:09:42.950 –> 00:09:47.990] break during COVID right but other than that you’ve always been like you have a love and a
[00:09:47.990 –> 00:09:53.270] passion that’s if you’re not worried about like you never looking at your watch being like is an hour
[00:09:53.270 –> 00:09:58.070] up yet you know when your podcast you never be like I gotta get an hour you just flow you’re just
[00:09:58.070 –> 00:10:03.590] free in the moment flowing with passion which is very admirable and and I and I look at that
[00:10:03.590 –> 00:10:07.670] sometimes and I question myself for I’m like do I have that I know I’ve been relatively
[00:10:07.670 –> 00:10:12.630] successful in this and I do love it but I’m like do I have that I wonder if therapy is
[00:10:12.710 –> 00:10:17.270] not a good thing for a person like you okay why do you think because I’ve never heard that
[00:10:17.830 –> 00:10:21.270] I wonder if like obsessing about your problems makes your problems bigger
[00:10:22.150 –> 00:10:27.110] and that maybe you just need another thing to focus on that maybe alleviates anxiety like some
[00:10:27.110 –> 00:10:33.030] kind of uh like a hardcore workout thing okay do you work out yes what do you do uh well
[00:10:33.590 –> 00:10:38.310] yesterday yesterday did hot yoga that’s great yeah just because I was like I was on the plane
[00:10:38.310 –> 00:10:45.030] wanted to do the hot yoga drip and sweat that’s a great thing to do and then today today I did uh
[00:10:45.030 –> 00:10:51.990] I ran uh two miles and then I did um with 30 pound dumbbells I did uh one burpee
[00:10:52.630 –> 00:10:56.950] one press 10 times ramped that up to five so you know went all the way up to one two three
[00:10:56.950 –> 00:11:02.150] so it was a lot a lot of burpees with that then I did farmers carries ball slams thing
[00:11:02.150 –> 00:11:06.790] I was dripping in sweat I was trying to do that so does that help you it does I always feel
[00:11:06.790 –> 00:11:12.230] I always feel after a workout great because I was an athlete I played basketball my entire life to
[00:11:12.230 –> 00:11:17.590] the point where my friends from home are like you never mentioned basketball and that’s the thing
[00:11:17.590 –> 00:11:22.710] you were known as in the neighborhood everybody knew you as basketball they used to call me gums
[00:11:22.710 –> 00:11:26.150] because I had big gums so they would call me gums but they would call me dirt you know
[00:11:26.150 –> 00:11:31.030] little dirt like basketball was my whole life big gums see how they’re see how they’re kind
[00:11:31.030 –> 00:11:34.790] of big no you’re doing that I could do that no I know but when I smile like they’re just
[00:11:34.790 –> 00:11:41.270] I have gingivitis let me see you smile no they seem to be normal no they thank you thank you too much
[00:11:41.270 –> 00:11:46.950] well they really do yeah I mean well no they used to call me gums I mean I I most people are rude
[00:11:46.950 –> 00:11:50.950] I’ve had the same size head and teeth since I’m seven so I’ve always looked kind of weird
[00:11:50.950 –> 00:11:56.310] your head grew into your teeth yeah I just was born with this big fat head and big teeth but
[00:11:56.310 –> 00:12:01.350] but they uh so basketball was an obsession then physical therapy getting my doctor’s degree
[00:12:01.350 –> 00:12:05.910] was an obsession and then comedy became an obsession and I think I have this thing in my head
[00:12:05.910 –> 00:12:09.110] where I know I have to stay in the present but sometimes I can’t help it where I’m like
[00:12:09.110 –> 00:12:12.630] well is this your obsession ending now and you’re going to find another obsession
[00:12:13.270 –> 00:12:18.470] yeah it’s the thinking about the negative possibilities right that are dangerous right
[00:12:19.190 –> 00:12:25.510] you know like I think Elon put posted this on Twitter that uh having anxieties literally
[00:12:25.590 –> 00:12:32.150] like having a conspiracy theory against yourself got it that’s pretty yeah that’s it is kind of
[00:12:32.150 –> 00:12:38.470] because you’re like thinking oh my god what if this all falls apart right so you’re dwelling on that
[00:12:38.470 –> 00:12:42.390] but it’s weird it’s not falling apart that’s the thing which is what I don’t understand which
[00:12:42.390 –> 00:12:47.110] is weird because yeah because I feel confident I don’t feel like I don’t feel like help me I feel
[00:12:47.110 –> 00:12:53.190] like I can I can figure anything out right I’m a biological male do you think that maybe the
[00:12:53.190 –> 00:12:57.590] worrying that it’s going to fall apart is what keeps you on track because you’re like
[00:12:57.590 –> 00:13:03.190] I can’t let it fall apart you know I have a family I have a lot of responsibilities I have to
[00:13:03.190 –> 00:13:08.630] I have to keep killing I have to keep doing great right yeah it feels specifically yeah
[00:13:09.510 –> 00:13:15.270] I feel like if I do feel like it’s all on me with my family nobody else in my family works
[00:13:15.270 –> 00:13:18.950] and I take care of multiple family members which I’m proud to do I don’t feel like
[00:13:18.950 –> 00:13:24.390] that’s a burden I feel like this is great this makes me feel at times when I feel emasculated
[00:13:24.390 –> 00:13:27.750] that’s something that makes me feel masculine you know when I’m like oh I don’t know how to build
[00:13:27.750 –> 00:13:31.430] anything and I’m you know I got my girlfriend here putting up sheetrock and I’m like I can
[00:13:31.430 –> 00:13:34.870] build fucking walls emotionally I don’t know how to do anything else other than that
[00:13:34.870 –> 00:13:40.470] I was like you at least I can at least I feel like you know what I can take care of this family
[00:13:40.470 –> 00:13:46.310] like you rely on me for that and I guess there is something in comedy you know I guess
[00:13:46.310 –> 00:13:52.150] because it’s not like a day job a daily paycheck coming in every two weeks maybe that seeps in
[00:13:52.150 –> 00:13:56.550] but it’s weird because I am very confident I’ve always been confident in anything I do I’ve always
[00:13:56.550 –> 00:14:01.590] felt like I my father would tell me from when I was a little kid you control your part you
[00:14:01.590 –> 00:14:05.590] control the output not the outcome he said that to me a million times you control your output
[00:14:05.590 –> 00:14:10.470] not your outcome just control your output and the outcome is irrelevant it doesn’t matter
[00:14:10.470 –> 00:14:14.470]